"And as Tiny Tim observed, God bless us, everyone."

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Namaste
The Soul Reporter

Directionless- Oh, the Places You'll Go Anyway...

It's been awhile since my last posting. I have been quiet on the inside; not many insightful thoughts directing my way. When this happens I cannot write, and I feel lost; directionless.

Part of my quietness is due to the passing of my Aunt Rosemary a couple of weeks ago. My family and I traveled to Chicago to attend the funeral. I have traveled this route more times than I can count, taking my first trip when I was just a few months old. This visit would be different. This time I would be saying goodbye to a person who was a consistent presence on my journeys there. When I go to Chicago I see my Aunt Ro, as we call her, and this was just the way it was, and in my child mind always thought it would be.

This recent visit was sacred, where the time spent was short, but I was present for every moment, which made time feel expansive and holy. I was present in the moment where I walked into the funeral home believing I was "together," to then, in an instant, fall to pieces when I saw my Aunt Flo, another constant presence in Chicago. I was present in the moment I walked into the room where her body lay to see my father sitting on the leather sofa, as if keeping a silent watch over her. I was present in the moment where I saw her face peeking over the thick coffin fabric, and I asked permission from my Aunt Mary to go see her, somehow feeling out of place. I was present in the moment where I knelled next to her, touching her arm, and cried. And as I cried, receiving a strong sense she is okay.

I was present in the moment where I left her body, sat next to my father, and put my hand on his leg. I was present in the moment watching my daughter go to her Aunt, and cry, and then to sit on the other side of her grandfather where he reached out his hand to hers. I was present in the moments where the three of us sat, watching each mourner come, refreshing the grief of her passing.

I am not quite sure why I must share this experience with you and what it may have to do with this blog topic on direction, but I do know death is a funny sort of thing, where we see something we don't quite understand, yet understand all too well. I needed to share this, for nothing else but to have a record of its happening.

I am quiet on the inside for other reasons, as well. 'Tis the season for quiet. And for darkness, and inner reflection. For me, this time has been more dark and quiet than in winters' past. It may have to do with a large season of my own life coming to pass. My daughter turns 18 next year, and will be graduating from high school. Like my aunties in Chicago, this young girl has been a constant in my life. In fact, choosing to have her at a young age, was the last time I remember having true direction, purpose and conviction.

I knew as the snow began to fall on October 31, 1991, when I found out I was pregnant, that I was going to have that baby no matter what, or who supported me. I was told, as a young mom I would end up on welfare, and constantly struggle. I did end up on welfare for a few short months, and yet it all worked out. This last brave moment has carried me all the way to this time in 2009, where I know my life is about to change again, but this time there is no baby in my belly giving me obvious clues to what is to come. No, this time there is something birthing, but it is not a baby, and there aren't any clues.

Unless of course, I look at my various vision boards, which display many hopes, wishes and dreams. Or I remember the pumping enthusiasm and burning desires of visions I had for many years, filled with purpose, fame, and fortune- living my best life. I suppose all of these can be indicators of what is to come. But, if this is so, I also recognize in this time of darkness, that I do not desire for riches and fame any longer. Now, don't get me wrong, I probably wouldn't turn it down should they come from expressing my purpose, but they are no longer my fuel. Something deeper is happening. So deep, I cannot access it, let alone share it with you. For I truly do not know what my fuel is and where it will take me.

It is timely then, that as I visited Chicago I had many insights and full circle moments where I healed, let go and picked up pieces of the old and new me. I understood what it means to be a part of a family who values family above all else. I understood that I very much wanted to have the stability, nurturing and reason my aunts displayed with their children, from my own mother. I understood how their influence made me that mother to my own children. And I understood that my cousins seemed to have been given some sort of life direction, either through words or values or by example, what they were to do with their lives. Directions, they seem to be living out now. I understood I didn't have that, or so I have believed.

Recently, my father acknowledged that maybe he and my mom said and did hurtful things to me as a child that influence me now. I told him, it wasn't what they said, as much as what they didn't say. With this acknowledgment, from him and myself, and also the understanding that came in Chicago about what I so craved but did not receive, I realized I have, for the most part, been swimming in a directionless pit. Afraid to make the wrong move. Afraid to make the right move. Afraid to move. Or moving, then doubting my move, then going back.

Much of this doubt began to occur upon marrying my husband. I had a lot of doubt about marrying him for there were circumstances that gave indications it was not a good idea. But, I remember sitting in front of the home we were building, at a time where the builder said,

"If you aren't going to buy this house, you need to tell us now." As I sat, swimming in that directionless pit of should I, shouldn't I, the dream to have a family, much like the one I witnessed on my visits to Chicago, won. It won over reason, and I delved, and married the man. Had the house be completed. Gave birth to another child. Got a dog, named Charlie. And for a few short years it was enough.

And then came Maui. A new direction. A new place that I knew would feel more like home. We sold everything for this new direction, and the Maui winds turned and pushed us to a small town instead where isolation, loneliness and depression took hold. Since these courses of events, I suppose it is safe to say, I don't trust myself anymore. People tell us to take risks, but look- look what happened to me. I risked my dream, for another, and lost both. But, as I share this, it is only a part of me that believes this, and that part is dying.

These last couple of months, I feel as though I have been carrying around a dead carcass that is my former life. There is no comfort in going back because it is dead. There is no comfort looking forward for direction because there is a blind spot, and I cannot see ahead. The only place to look is here, and now. So this is where I am. Here, and now. What takes me away from the here and now is worrying about not having direction. Where is it, I plead. Why has it forsaken me? Where will I end up? And will all that I have been through amount to something, or is this just something I tell myself to get up in the mornings?

Welcome this pain! It opens the dark passage of grace. ~Rumi

I had a dream long ago, which I will always remember. It was about three woman on a journey. One of the women, who I name Doubt took up the back. The one in the middle, was me- as the observer. The one whom I followed I name Grace. Doubt was always telling us what we should do and should not do, dispelling fear whenever we took a step. Grace however only smiled, and continued to walk. She heard Doubt. She understood Doubt, and kept walking. I kept following Grace.

This is my journey people. I walk it now. Yes, in all of my humanness, a difficult realm not to get caught up in when there is so much pain, it is easy to listen to Doubt. To allow her to question every move. To allow her to make me feel I have no direction and the direction I do have is no good. It is easy to look at those around me, and see the results of their upbringing and be envious of the direction they were given, and believe I have none. Yes, it is easy. But I am reminded because of my "wandering," because of my so-called directionless journey, there is a presence leading me. She is not easily known, for she is quiet. She never argues, or puts up a fight. She doesn't judge or demand. She just is. Her name is Grace, and she is under the direction of God. The ALL. The Inseparable. A friend likes to say, just because I wander doesn't mean I am lost. I am not lost. I follow Grace, even when I think I'm not.

And before I end this posting, I must give a shout out to Doubt, for without her I would not be who I am today. Oprah always says, doubt means don't. Well, maybe so, but if I listened to that advice I would not have gotten married, and learned and healed all that I have. I would not have bought that house, and suffered the pain of losing and missing it. I would have not have pursued Maui, and the strength and courage it took to do so. And I definitely would not have learned all that Doubt has to teach me. She is very valuable, and I also might add, incredibly funny once you stop taking her so seriously. Stop, and listen to her sometimes. She says the darndest things about what we should and should not do.

A friend of mine recently sent me an email. He opened it with, "Hello Courageous Friend," and continued with:

Your systems may be quiet and readying for the next part of your journey. Perhaps as you make the thrilling and terrifying move to grab your new life, the simple act of leaving this old life will create relief, excitment, anticipation, passion, direction and so much more.

Acknowledge what was good and/or what you appreciate about all that is and has been before. There is much to appreciate that has prepared you for what is to come. And then acknowledge what is coming your way that will make your new life grand. To quote Seuss: "Oh the places you'll go."

The world is yours. You get to choose. Take the steps that bring balance and authenticity to your life. Acknowledge the pain and also the joy. Honor your soul.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter, following Grace

A side note: another clue to a new direction for me- my daughter is moving to California to pursue her acting talent and education, and it looks like I will go with her to wander around the west coast, sniffing for new life. I will, of course keep you posted. For more details, follow my blog about it. As it gets closer there will be more postings:

Steps to the Red Carpet

Update

Honestly, I have not been able to write these past few weeks. I do have a post in the works about direction, and it will come about soon. Thanks for your patience, and I appreciate your continued commitment to my blog even though I am not reporting at the moment.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

Ithaka

Ithaka

As you set out in search of Ithaka

Pray your journey be long,

Full of adventures, full of awakenings.

Do not fear the monsters of old...

You will not meet them in your travels

If your thoughts are exalted and remain high,

If authentic passions stir your mind, body and spirit.

You will not encounter fearful monsters

If you do not carry them within your soul,

If your soul does not set them up in front of you.

~Constantine P Cavafy

The poem above helped me through one of my darkest times, many years ago. It seems to be serving its purpose once more. However, this time I sense the times ahead not to be dark, but to be filled with light, and new meaning and purpose.

I realize I have not blogged in a while. Just as Bob Cratchit acknowledged, in A Christmas Carol, I was making rather merry with my family over the holiday. And just yesterday I lost my dear Aunt Rosemary, and will again be with family, but this time under different circumstances.

As some of you know, recently I wondered if I should continue to blog. Since then, I wrote two posts, and then nothing. I am not sure when I will return, but I sense there is something new in the works. I hope you will stay with me, as I allow this shift to occur, and soon appear. I sense it will be a good change. I shall see you on the road to Ithaka.

Make merry with yourself and your family this holiday season, however you celebrate.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

November

November is...

turkey and cranberry sauce.

cutting down the Christmas tree.

family.

dark nights.

when I lost a loved one.

a short month that flew by.

a short poem.

over.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter

Update

The Soul Reporter wishes all of you a Happy Thanksgiving.

Enjoy your sacred time with your family, friends & yourself.

I will be back with a post after the holiday.

Namaste,

Nikki

Who Needs a Bowl of illusions, When You Can Have Just One Truth?

Taking a glance across the last few weeks, I have been quite good, and thought, "well maybe I am finally out of the woods." Perhaps it was this thought that brought me back to the woods today.

Once upon a time, I journeyed into the dark woods. Inside the forest my stays were long. As time moves on, my visits are still frequent, but the stays aren't as long. However, the darkness is more intense. The air is damp, cold and scary, and certain thoughts awaken danger within me.

The stay today was like this- short, and quite intense, and seemed to have come from out of the blue. I have been home sick from work, the last couple of days. While home, I have done a bit of soul searching- something that gets pushed to the side in the routine of my existence. My soul searching topic is not new. It is the same sort I have been doing for a long, long time. Wondering, what is my purpose? Who shall I be? What shall I do? I have had some good insights, little stones of light, perhaps to make the way more clear. But mostly more questioning, which often means for me, more doubting and second-guessing.

If someone were to take a snapshot of the "episode" today, they might say I was depressed, or maybe those were only my judgments, and following some need to label my inner experience. But whatever these episodes are; these journeys into the darkness, they seem to be a necessary part of my evolutionary process. As I was lamenting to my husband of this dark side of my journey, he asked an extraordinary, yet simple question- "What you living for?"

At that destined moment, where question meets opportunity, I truly had no idea. He says, when he is in a dark place, his children, wife and family get him through. I felt hollow and heartless that this wasn't true for me. I glanced across my internal landscape, and truly found nothing because I have a pattern of lamenting about my purpose here. In the shower, before the dark moment in the forest, I wondered what I might be like if I did not know of the Oprah's of the world, who make a billion dollars doing what they love. Or the Gandhi's who disrobe and become the change they want to see. Seriously, who would I be if I weren't constantly comparing my lives to these types of people?

I suppose for some, seeing these people live their extraordinary lives, and hearing them say all you have to do is find your purpose and everything else will come, is inspiring. For me, (Gandhi types aside, for they truly do inspire me) I learned today, it has been detrimental. It is one of the many things, I am sure, that make me doubt my existence. If I am not living like Oprah, than maybe I am not living. If I am not saving a small village in Africa, than maybe I am not contributing. If I haven't authored my 46th book as Deepak Chopra just did, than maybe I am not a writer.

Truly, I appreciate the grand ideas I have entertained for myself all of these years. And I am not here to say it isn't possible. Obviously it is because there are people doing extraordinary things everyday, but I am here to say- maybe these things don't make up my best life. Which, ironically is the message Ms. Winfrey lives and works by- Live your Best Life.

Oprah has never said that our best life should look like hers, yet it easily entices us with the diamond earrings that drip from her ears, the homes that are glazed with thousands of square-footage of lush tranquility (look above), the amazing people she meets, the money she has to do what she wants, and help who she wants, and to top it all off with the cherry within- she has all this because she makes a living being herself.

Life is interesting. If we really pay attention we can see the subtle happenings, which are occurring to show us who we are, and who we are not. When we know enough about who we are and who we are not, is when, I dare to say, the magic begins to happen- the already ripened cherry is revealed. Think about how much easier a part of our lives become when we understand how to operate a machine, like a washer and dryer. No, it isn't that complicated to push the cycle, temperature, and start button. But what if we knew how the inside of that machine worked? How much more we might appreciate, and understand it? Maybe even how we might reassemble a more high functioning one to meet our greater and evolving needs.

In this way, this is what is happening to me. I need a higher functioning self to meet my greater and evolving needs, and this is a process, which for me begins with a little perspective. I have been assembled twice, so to speak. Once by God, the Cosmic Intelligence. And then when I entered here, to the earth's surface, I was assembled with all the thoughts, potentialities, desires, curses, beliefs- everything that makes up the culture and energy of this planet. Much of it having little to nothing to do with my basic and pure assembly by God. To know who we truly are then, we must begin to dismantle what does not resonate with our basic and pure nature, so who we truly are can enter, and begin her (or his) reign once again. Or at least meet the needs of our greater self.

I told you I had no answer to the question my husband, gave me. And, I didn't for a moment or so, and then the answer came. Truth. I live for truth. Will truth give me the star studded life? I don't know. Will it give me a lamented life of grief like the saints? I don't know that either. Maybe I will have both, or neither. What I do know is I live for truth, and this is why I go into the forest.

So far in my evolutionary process, it has been the only way for me to cut through the bs, and get to what's real. This return to the forest always begins in despair, but today, when I went to my bed to lie down in the midst it, I noticed something new. I did not shut the blinds as I always do. I kept them open, allowing the light of dusk to shine through my room, and down upon me, or so I hoped. It turns out it was just enough light to bring me to truth, at least for that moment.

I still don't have a clue what my expression is, or even what I want it to be. Abraham Maslow said, "It isn't normal to know what we want. It is a rare and difficult psychological achievement." What I do know, I am a truth seeker. Truth is everywhere. If we seek it, we shall find it- everywhere. Even in the dark places.

Namaste,

The Soul Reporter, Seeker of Truth and this is enough for now...